I don't know if anyone reading this has ever decided to wait for someone that was incarcerated, but that can turn out to be a very stressful relationship. November 2017 I decided to get back together with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We dated 9 years ago. Our past relationship had it's flaws, but for some reason I was never able to let him go. I found out in February of 2017 that my ex was incarcerated, at the time I was incarcerated for a DUI. June 7th, I was released and I had every intention on writing him but decided against it. I was still involved with someone and I thought that would be a little disrespectful towards the guy I was seeing. I became single in July, and in the back of my mind I still had the thought to write my ex but I was so busy trying to get back on my feet that I thought that was more important at the time. I had alot going on and things were complicated for me so I just need to focus on getting my life back in line. Around October or November, the thought came back to me and something told me I needed to write him. So I grabbed my paper and a pen and started writing him a letter. I wasn't writing him for us to get back together basically I was just offering a friendship to him if he needed it. I mailed the letter out the next morning on my way into work. Within a week I received a response.
A couple days letter I received a 5-page apology letter and him begging me to give us another chance. I was real sketchy about it because I thought about how the first time went. At that point in my life I really didn't even want to date anyone, I just wanted to focus on me and get my life together. The more I thought about it, I was like why not I have had feelings for him for all these years, I can focus on the things I need to do while I'm waiting on him to be released, I love him why not give it a chance? So, I told him before I decided that he got one chance and once chance only. I also made him aware that I had little to no tolerance for any b.s., I refused to go through what I have already been through with him before. He promised things would not be like that, so I agreed to give him a chance. Things were really great at first, even his mom was excited about us getting back together. We were always excited about talking to each other and couldn't wait until our next phone call. About a month or so into our relationship he was accused of stealing, so he lost his kitchen job and was moved to another tier.
The day he was being moved he was pretty angry, he had a very close friend that he called a brother in the tier where he was and being around him was helping him maintain himself in there. He started running into people that I am assuming he knew from the streets. Each day that we talked he started acting really different. Started talking to me like real disrespectful. I kept trying to bring it to his attention but he just wanted to deny the fact that he had changed. So after about a week more of this I had finally had enough of it and I told him I was done, that it was over. After I said what I had to say I didn't even give him a chance to speak, I didn't care what he had to say, I hung up.
The very next day he calls me and I should not have answered the phone but I did. I asked him why he was calling and reminded him that I told him it was over. He tried to tell me I didn't mean that so I advised him that I did. I then let all my anger out and started yelling at him telling him he was not going to talk to me like that or disrespect me like I'm one of them inmates in there with him. He apologized to me and asked me if I would forgive him and so, I did. Things were good for a while, and then I talk his mom one day. His brother had been trying to get her to write a letter for him stating that was going to be his residence when he gets out, she was telling me that she didn't know if she wanted to do that because her son may go there if he doesn't come here and she didn't want to jeopardize her son being able to live there. When she said that I got a little upset because him and I had been talking about him moving in with me. We had been talking about getting married and having our own family.
So, when I found out they were making decisions behind my back and he was not telling me I got a little angry. I also found out her and her sister were running a facebook page for him that I was unaware of and wouldn't even accept my friend request, even though they knew I was his girl. I didn't have a whole lot of trust for his mom coming into this because he cheated on me the first time and she was involved with it. So, yeah I was pretty pissed off. This was one of the things I told him I did not want to have to deal with and that I would not deal with. When he calls me, I confront him about it. Of course, I was angry so I started getting loud about it. He proceeds to tell me that he tells me the truth and tells her what she wants to hear. Then I start thinking, what if he does that to me too? What if he tells his mom the same thing he tells me? I hit him with those exact thoughts and he asks me what I want him to do. So, I told him he needs to be a man and be honest to her, and he needs to include me in decisions because this is our relationship not their relationship.
He started telling me everything as far as I know of. I honestly couldn't even sit here and say he did but I'm just going go with he did. One day he chooses to tell me he is going to start calling his mom less and call me more. He says his reasoning being that his mom just stresses him out most of the time so he didn't really want to talk to her everyday. He told me there were going to be days he was only going to call me, that he thought about some things and he was going to start showing me I came first to him. June 2018, my mom decides to shut my cell phone off. We were not on good terms but she is a whole other story. Anyway, I purchased another cell phone and was going to give the phone back to her that was on her account. I was waiting on my man's phone sheet to be approved before I had done so. I went 5 days without being able to talk to my man. I was so angry. Every day I was looking at my phone hoping his phone sheet was approved so that I could talk to him. Five long days went by before his name appeared on my phone.
He called me in the evening and I was wondering why he would wait so late to call me when we haven't talked in 5 days. I had started thinking about it alot because I noticed he never called me in the morning anymore. I started thinking to myself, you know it would be nice if he called me first once in a while because it would make me feel good to know I was the first thing he thought about when he woke up. Last weekend I was on the way to a friends house and my man calls. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him. He gets a little mad and tells me he don't like what I'm doing so I make the comment there's alot of things I don't like but I've put up with them.
He comes back at me with why are you saying that, because of what I said. I told him no so then he tells me to come out with what it is that I do not like. So, I ask him, why don't you ever call me first anymore? He told me that should not even be up for debate that I knew he called his mom every morning. I thought about what he had told me and I brought it to him. I asked him why did he proceed to tell me things like that if he was not going to do it. He said that he put me before his kids and that he writes me letters, so he was showing me I was first to him. I had never asked him to put me before his kids and him putting me before his kids was a lie. He has mentioned to me quite a few times how his son doesn't answer the phone or he is on his game and doesn't talk. That is not putting me before his kids, that is pretty much saying he's calling me because he knows I'll answer the phone at those times. I spoke up and said it was not going to kill his mother for him to call me before her once in a while, he didn't like that too much. I mean here he's been talking about us getting married the past 7 months why wouldn't I come first to him sometimes? We continued debating until our phone call ended and we weren't able to discuss further until the next day.
He calls me that afternoon, as always. I brought the discussion up to him again. I asked once again about why he doesn't call me first. I was like you use to blow me up all day and there were days you called me first, now you don't do that anymore. First excuse he gave me was my job, and my response to that was don't use that as an excuse because it never stopped him before. His second excuse was because his mom has his daughter 90% of the time but he forgets there were alot of conversations where he told me his mom was trying to get the baby not that she had her. I was like so you can't call me first once or twice and week and call them at the time you call me? He was like no, she is picked up by then. Curious about how long she was there, I asked him what time she is usually picked up, he tells me 3:00pm. He called me at 12:30pm so, he basically just lied to me. At that point I just didn't want to talk to him anymore that day, so I told him I didn't want to talk. He said ok cool, hung up on me and didn't call me for 2 days.
Saturday he decides to call me, of course after he called his mom first. I had things I needed to say to him, I needed him to understand how I felt and how hurt I was. I'm on the phone with him crying, trying to get out everything I need to get out but he is constantly talking over me just wanting to keep arguing. He tells me he talked to people in the jail about the situation and he didn't do anything wrong, but my thought is what excatly did he tell them the situation was? Did he tell them the entire truth or that I asked him to put me before his mom and kid and that's not what I asked. For me being the one putting money on his books and his phone I don't see what the issue was with him calling me first once or twice, I wasn't telling him not to call them. I was just asking for what he already told me he was going to do , show me I'm first. He then starts telling me there are things about my life he wants me to change. He talks to me in a different tone and just flat out tells me that I am asking him to do something that he's not going to do. That did it for me right there, unfortunately we had to continue our argument later that day because our phone time was up. He calls me later that evening and he asks if I am going to make them changes and I react and tell him why am I going to give him anymore of me when he keeps making promises he can't keep. I told him I was not doing anything more when he has been giving me nothing but broken promises since November. I wasn't finished talking and he started talking over me again with the his mom is going to come first and that's something I would just have to deal with it so, I was like you know what, f&&k it and hung up on him.
I have not heard from him since. Why would a man want to make a woman his wife if he is going to worry about his mom first every day all the time? I'm pretty sure his mom would not even put up with shit like this from a man she was with. I'm sure she would want the same thing I want. I mean a parent should understand that when their child is in love the person they are involved with is going to be an important part of their life. It's not even her causing the issue, it's him and I've made him aware of that. He makes it difficult to want to build a relationship with her or him. I had asked him before if we were married and there was a problem who would he call first his mom or his wife? I had answered the question myself, because I already knew the answer.
It has been hard thinking about this and it's had me hurt, my attitude is all types of crazy. I been on a rampage these days. I decide to look up information online about momma's boys and the importance of the wife and mother in their life. Almost every article I read stated the wife should come first because once the mother is gone the wife is still there. I never asked him to put me before his mom, but I did ask to be just as important. I didn't see anything being wrong with that. I mean everything I was doing for him why, was it so wrong of me to ask for that?
My letter to him turned out being 12 pages long. Pretty long, yeah I know, but I was able to get out everything I needed to say and that's what I needed to do. While I was writing this letter to him I realized all these actions he thought that were showing me first was because I had to speak up and fight for it. He started sending me letters because I had to mention to him he didn't write me anymore. I came to the reality that I had pretty much coached him through most of the relationship. I made sure to put all of that in the letter. Once I proof read it a few times and had it to my liking I was ready to mail it out. I printed out some of the literature and mailed it along with the letter.
Today is Saturday, July 6, I sent my letter last Monday. Although, I was not expecting a response from it I had a little hope that maybe there was a slight chance he would open his eyes to face reality. I guess not.
For the past week all I have done is sat in my room and cried. My mind is overwhelmed with millions of thoughts, that's why I wanted to call this blog haunted minds, because when you are alone in your head that's exactly what the thoughts do, they haunt you, every min, every hour of everyday.
At one point, I really thought I was being an asshole about it. Now, not so much. I cannot deny the fact that I hurt over this. I miss him very much but there is going to come a day that I am not going to miss him anymore. May be he will come around before then.
Anyone else have a story similiar they would like to share? Please feel free to share your story or advice.
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