So Glad The Day Is Over

You know what sucks, when you are so glad the work day is over but then realize you have nothing special to come home to. I mean I do have a puppy that adores me and her little tail wags like crazy when I walk in the house. That does make me feel kind of good to know someone is happy to see me, but I need more than that. Today I was on my way home from work. I texted my daughter to see when she would be coming home from her aunt's house and she said she didn't know. I got to thinking of this memory from 2017 when I had to get ready to turn myself in for a dui. I'm sure that people will be judging me for that, but there's a really long messed up story that led to that. I never meant to drive, my keys were never suppose to end up back in my hands and I'm just going to leave it at that. I had to turn myself in around Valentine's Day, the guy I was seeing took me out to dinner then he took me to spend time with my daughter. Her grandmother had died prior in July and the house we resided in, we were renting with her grandmother. When her grandmother passed away , my daughters father decided to have all these people hooked on heroin at the house. We eventually ended up getting kicked out because he wouldn't leave. I had no where to go, so I asked my daughters aunt to take her in so she had a place to sleep. I slept in my car some nights, stayed at a friends house when I could, I never knew where I would end up for the night. It was heartbreaking to be without my daughter every night, so , I made sure I spent time with her as much as I could before I had to go away for a few months. The night before it was time for me to go away for a bit, she had a break down like I had never seen her have before. It broke my heart. There I was again thinking, getting all emotional on my ride home from work. I can't even explain what is going on with me. Only time I can remember being like this was when I was pregnant for the first time, and I'm definitely not pregnant. How can you figure out something when you have no idea why you are feeling that way? I mean I think feeling alone might be part of it, but for me to keep just feeling sad all a sudden and crying when there is like nothing bad going on in my life I am having a hard time figuring out why I am like this right now. Maybe it's because I do the same thing every day basically. I work, I come home....take the dog out...clean up whatever mess my daughter made for the day, possibly cook dinner, but every day I come home from work all I do is sit in my room and think. There doesn't even have to be anything bad going on in my life, I still always got something going on in my head. I think this waiting thing is kind of starting to get to me too. I mean, why wouldn't it. Every day I talk to a man on the phone that I want here with me right now. I'm impatient and don't want to wait I want him now. It makes it hard for me to be sociable, because it's like I don't really want to talk to anyone else, I just want him. I think that's starting to have a big affect on me and now I'm just wondering how the hell I'm going to make it another year waiting. I knew it would be a little difficult but I didn't think I'd be turning into some kind of cry baby. I deal with alot of stressful situations on a daily basis too. My feelings could be a mixture of things but I just can't figure it out. I usually have too much going on to even try to figure it out. The more I push it off it's like the worse it gets. Keeping myself occupied doesn't even help. I can't even watch my favorite tv series without feeling sad and end up with tears in my eyes, and just not too long ago I binge watched the entire season. I have no idea why this is going on, honestly I been thinking about googling it. I don't know how much of an answer I'm going to get from google but this is not me. I don't cry like this and I don't know why this is happening with me. I'm not sad about anything, not that I know of anyway. I mean I'm not 100% happy, how can I be I work and then sit in a room every night as if I'm still in jail. I don't intentionally sit here thinking I'm still in jail, I've tried making plans to get out and do stuff but I don't have real reliable people I can do that with. I got books that I really wanted to read, tried to tell myself I was going to read every night but I haven't. I know things I want to do but I don't, instead I do the same thing every night, which is come home and sit in my room, look at my tv, while I'm on my computer or my phone....unless me and my kids are watching a movie. I don't really get much time with my kids anymore. My son's 18, he's about to go off to college but when he's here he's a big gamer so that's how his time is spent. I mean I really don't have the money for us to go out and do anything ,which makes me feel bad but I'm keeping a roof over my kids head and that's the best I can do right now. My daughter is not quite yet a teenager yet but she acts like she's grown. I think maybe I'm just going through all these different emotions because things are so different in my life now. It's like my kids don't really need me anymore. If they don't need me than who does? My daughter is hooked on fortnight so most of her time is spent in her room on her ps4 or on her phone face-timing her friends. I mean, yeah I have plenty I could do but I really just hate feeling so alone all the time. I live in a house full of people but that's not the type of alone I feel. I feel like I'm losing my strength, I feel like I'm losing myself. I've already done that once before and I don't want that to happen again. So I guess it's time for me to make a change in my life and actually start doing the things I told myself I was going to do. Even if I have to push myself to do it. I can't sit here drowing in sorrow. Now I get to sit here and watch my puppy wrestle with an empty coke bottle, guess I am lucky to at least have some kind of entertainment. She can be a real pain in the butt sometimes but she does have this tendency to make me laugh when I need it.....lol.